House of Women

 

It’s a Goddess!!! We are excited. We couldn’t care less that we didn’t have a boy. In fact, it seems more fitting that a goddess was born in place of a king. Completes our “House of Women” in a way.

The night before she was born I knew the continuance I’d been audacious to ask from God had expired. I dreaded that it was the end of my pregnancy- I was not ready. What do I know about raising two children on my own? What if everyone (who isn’t any one of my wonderfully supportive sisters of course) was right to assume this would be my dismantling?

When I first had to decide between aborting, (giving up for) adoption and “winging it”, I naively thought a choice made in good faith would be less of a burden to my soul. However in choosing to “wing it” I have also chosen to raise a girl-child without a father. I have chosen the dreaded and all-so-infamous conversation between mother and daughter that always starts with “Why”, includes a repeated use of the words “my”,  “father”, “didn’t”, “love” and “me” and always, always ends in tragic heartbreak. I know- I am that girl-child myself. After the mess that had to be cleared so the healing would begin and rid me of the said tragic heartbreak, why would I make a choice that would put my own flesh and blood, the object of so much affection, through this?

These are the secret questions harboured beneath the bosoms of many strong, single women. We keep it together to make it up to our daughters; we know we should never be forgiven for what we have chosen for them and what they will have to go through because of us and our stupid, naive hearts. At the same time, we know that if given the opportunity, we would effortlessly choose Life above all again and again. We would sprint to choose it even if it meant watching our hearts shatter into a million splinters every time a promise is unfulfilled, a desire unrealized and a prayer said over and over with fervent faith is met each very time with the answer, “No, daughter for I have better plans for you” from Creation.

Perhaps I chose badly for my daughters. Perhaps I wasn’t as selfless and wise as I’d like to have been making those decisions. Perhaps chosing Life is less noble than I imagined. Honestly, I have no idea what the better idea would have been. Honestly, I believe still in my heart of hearts that everything happened just as it was meant to by the same seemingly ruthless, yet far more complex Creation.

It’s another Goddess! Let’s first start there. There is so much to enjoy and be grateful for in just that one revelation alone.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s