On Wednesday 15 December 2004, I sat down and “journaled” a piece of my mind at the time. Today I’d like to share those thoughts that I have now named “The Motions”. Here goes..
I have been through the motions, the ones I had heard happen to people in my disposition and yet no one dares to speak openly about. What puzzles me about my mind is that it knows to preserve what it finds useful and discard what it deems too unbearable to keep.
For instance, now that we have had our lovers’ spat, resolved it and dived back into love again, I can’t seem to recall all those feelings of aloneness and fright I felt when our love was in crisis. I love him, this man. He charms my fears into a trance and makes me believe I am much braver than I think. With him by my side, it feels as if I have always had the courage to pursue my heart’s desires. Sometimes it is almost as if I have always known him, always been his friend.
And to him I am the world; I allow him to be the knight he was told he could never be because no knave from his neck of the woods ever carried a sword.
Yesterday I was like driftwood, surveying the lay of the ocean aimlessly because of a broken heart. Today he is my hero, my promised once again. These motions are enough to make me sick.